I have a long-standing client who is *very* good at what he does, which is oil and gas economics. When he talks about past clients, he doesn't mention company names, he gives countries. As in, "I worked for Pakistan in the mid-70s." One day, I complained about how hot it was outside and without looking up, he said, "you don't know what hot is." I learned later he had just come back from a few months in Dubai. It was September.

This fellow doesn't have any outrageous computer needs. He uses Excel, PowerPoint, Word, and Acrobat Reader. But he's pretty specific in what these applications need to do. Especially Excel. Being an older man, he always claims that he isn't a very good example of a user because he always manages to click something that causes errors. I've always maintained that it's exactly this reason that makes him the *ideal* user. He isn't there to admire the software, he just wants it to do what he wants. Sure, he has little idiosyncracies, like pressing Ctrl+C to copy but Shift+Insert to paste but all in all, he's a very smart guy, only slightly set in his ways, and not afraid to get the latest software if it directly affects him.

He has a custom-built spreadsheet he's been using and updating for nigh on ten or fifteen years and his latest laptop came with Vista and Office 2007. The spreadsheet is over 13Mb now and it uses macros that haven't been signed. (I will listen to comments claiming it shouldn't be in Excel and nearly all will receive the same response: ClickOnce ain't got nothin' on an Excel spreadsheet when you travel eleven months out of the year.)

Forthwith are some first impressions from him:

• Where's the File menu?
• How do I get rid of this toolbar at the top (for presentations involving a Word document on a projector with low resolutions)?
• I didn't get the macro security warning when I opened my spreadsheet. Do my macros still work?
• Why the &*%$ don't my macros work anymore?
• (In Word) This isn't Full Screen Reading in any book I've ever seen
• (In Excel) I clicked Insert, where's the option to insert a worksheet?
• (In Excel) How do I unhide a worksheet now that there's no Format menu?
• What the &*%$ is with all these security messages?
• It's funny, that *looks* like the icon to shut down the computer... 
• Did anyone actually *use* this product before they shipped it?

The thing is, Windows XP and Office 2003 were working for him. Yes, they had minor issues and yes, we had to implement some minor workarounds but they were in exceptional situations, where we expect things not to go smoothly. Now, as he puts it, everyday things take four clicks whereas before, they took two. Perhaps it's because he's not used to the new UI paradigm but then, why does he need to do that?

In closing, a quote from the late, great Douglas Adams: "We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works."

Kyle the Upgraded

** UPDATE **
Office 2003 is currently being installed on said user's computer. A new frustration was that his computer would tend to lock up when three or more instances of his 13Mb spreadsheet were open at a time. But the last straw was when this spreadsheet started taking in the order of minutes to save. And not just a few. I'm talking at least ten.

In case you're wondering about his laptop: brand spankin' new $3000 Dell Inspiron.

The short version: Setting my clock to the current date fixes invalid security certificate errors in IE7 and log-in problems with MSN Messenger. The rest of this post is embellishment so that it can be picked up by a movie producer and turned into a film starring Neil Patrick Harris as the Coding Hillbilly and Scarlett Johansson as Mrs. Coding Hillbilly.

A frantic call from Mrs. Hillbilly led to my edification of yourselves today: "Coding Hillbilly! He'p me, he'p me! I'sa gotta chekin' this har e-mail for'un my boss and I kint git into the Hotmail! Ya gotsta he'p me, Coding Hillbilly!"

"Be right thar, Cabbage!" and I moseyed on over to her place as quick as the T-bird could fly.

The error message: There is a problem with this website's security certificate.

Now I've seen this often enough with the dawn of IE7 but this happened when she navigated to Hotmail of all places. Of course, she could continue on to the website with the nice calming red address bar at the top but it didn't inspire a lot of confidence that her computer was running at peak performance.

At this point, the missus also pointed out that MSN Messenger was also puking all over her machine when she tried to log-in. Error 80048820 which is, as you could probably guess, security-related. The surprisingly effective help system in Messenger led me to a much prettier version of this page.

Being a technically-minded hillbilly, I skimmed through the page looking for the most obtuse solution on the page and I went on my merry way re-registering DLLs and adjusting SSL options, none of which worked. Then option 3 stuck out at me: Verify the date and time settings on your computer.

Huh? says I. Mrs. Hillbilly, who is hovering in a non-intrusive manner, notices my confusion: "Oh yeah, I had to change the clock for something else."

A quick update to bring the date back a few months to February 19, 2007 and all is well again with our corner of the world.

I wish no explanation as to why changing the clock affects MSN Messenger or security certificates. (I can make a partially-educated guess as to the latter.) Security is not my strong suit as anyone who has come to my house and found the doors wide open can attest to. I don't particularly care why they're related. All that matters is that someone else in the world does and he or she finds it fit to document his or her knowledge on the Internets.

And on a concluding note, I hate security and all software and hardware related to it, including but not limited to: anti-virus, spam, phishing, SSL, permissions, LDAP, NTLM, forms authentication, SecurID tokens, VPNs, swipe cards, PIN numbers, security deposits, car alarms, bike locks, and cell phones for seven-year-olds.I don't like that the major upgrade to Windows XP was a firewall that broke a bunch of apps. And that among IE7's features is not to let me into websites because I'm not smart enough to figure out if they're dangerous. And that Vista's main differentiation from XP is that it's harder to play my music. I will concede, however, that retinal scanners are pretty cool.

Not that I don't understand the need for it, which I very much do. I just hate the fact that we have to deal with it. But then, I'm far too much of an optimist to really understand the Prisoner's Dilemma that has led to everything from DRM to the "guilty until proven innocent" mentality that permeates our airport authority system.

By most accounts, I'm a patient hillbilly. I am willing to put up with Google paying $1.65B for YouTube and not filtering a couple hun'erd grand my way.

So I'm a little bewildered at how homicidal I get when, after an automatic update, Windows XP keeps popping up a dialogue that says, "hey buddy! I know I've reminded you every ten minutes or so for the last three hours that you need to reboot but just in case you forgot, it'd be SWELL if you considered rebooting now...NO? Right, gotcha, that's okay, I understand. I know you're in the middle of something and have six dozen windows open and don't want to break your concentration. I'll be here if you need me, though. Don't forget, okay? You gotta reboot. Not right now, mind you, but soon. Okay? Remember, reboot. Soon."

Seriously, this is really bugging me. In the past, I've eventually given in and rebooted but not this time. I'm in a battle of wills with it now. I'm betting it'll flinch first and stop reminding me. Now that I think about it, I think it's been at least a half hour since the last message. I think I may have finall---

I SAID LATER, YOU &#*$*%!!!! I KEEL YOU DEAD!!!